Straighten Up and Fly Write

Rejection is judgment, and when rejection is based in biased opinion, it can really hurt. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the synonyms of rejection have three categories: rejection as in denial, rejection as in refusal, and rejection as in discard. Unfortunately, I recently experienced having all three, intertwined and layered.

I am a Reiki Master. In 2019, I achieved attunement to level four Usui Shiki Ryoho Reiki Master Teacher. I am a level four Angelic Reiki Master Teacher, attuned in 2022. I have paid membership in the Angelic Reiki Association, which is based in the United Kingdom. I am registered in the UK as a complementary provider.

I found Reiki through a non-profit that provides Reiki and Healing Touch for cancer patients during my own cancer journey. I received so much benefit from my sessions, I asked my volunteer provider how a person becomes a Reiki practitioner. I was interested in helping people through their cancer journey. He agreed to teach me Reiki (Usui Shiki Ryoho) when I completed treatment. I then became an Angelic Reiki Master Teacher in 2022 from an Angelic Reiki Master Teacher, located in Centennial, Colorado.

I was recently released from a volunteer role as a Reiki practitioner in a large healthcare system. What is heartbreaking to me is this healthcare system really helped to change my life for the better.  I was not recovering well from my cancer journey, struggling with debilitating neuropathy, loss of reflexes, weight gain, cognitive issues, etc. I joined a hiking group for cancer survivors and patients. The other hikers strongly suggested I move my continuing care to this large university-based teaching hospital. I was sent a referral to a cancer recovery doctor and from that moment, my quality of life began to change for the better.

I truly wanted to give back to this institution. I remember the very first time I entered the Outpatient building, riding the elevator to the third floor. When the door closed, there was a mural with the hospital tagline that said, “Live like there is a tomorrow!” This saying registered with me and how I felt (and still feel) about my recovery. With my cancer diagnosis, I faced mortality, realizing I have a limited time of existence on this planet. I fought hard, being a compliant patient, educating myself on my cancer type. I embraced my responsibility to recover from injuries developed from the treatment regimen. I do live my life like there is a tomorrow for me.

Even though the Volunteer Manager told me that I “don’t act like a Reiki master,” I must push back from this rejection because I am a Reiki master. I am not exactly sure how her bias toward me was developed, but this uncomfortable situation played out like a slow-motion film scene over a six-week period. I could tell the tension was building, and I had no idea how to fix the situation.

From the very beginning, I knew the Manager and Assistant Manager did not connect with me as a person. Communication between both women and me was strained and awkward. I sensed from comments made they had discussions that were critical of me, and how I present myself to the world. My attempts to try to stay under the radar did not work.

It appeared to me there was a deployment of other volunteers who followed me throughout the day, as I walked to and from the infusion room. It also seemed certain nurses who were not friendly with me were also actively observing me. I did have nurses who clearly liked me, stating they appreciated my positive engagement with patients and how I administered Reiki, too. I heard time and again, “Well, I think what you’re doing here is positive,” and “I like the way you work with patients!” I suspected they were reacting to criticism from the few nurses trying to undermine my reputation as a Reiki provider.

Within the month, I accepted my intuitive gut feeling that I was being judged and that people were engaging in gossip. I was indeed under scrutiny. The Volunteer Services team seemed to be looking for something – anything – to have me dismissed from the volunteer position. Though I shared this position with my Facebook friends, I did not publicly post about my role as a Reiki volunteer on social media. Again, my instinct told me not to include this volunteer position on my LinkedIn profile. My inner voice (and my spirit guides and guardian angels) warned me the situation was failing because of personality judgment, and not because of my abilities.

The Volunteer Manager requested I meet with her. I received a complaint from a patient. I am not sure who this person could have been who made the complaint. The patients I engaged with were truly kind and appreciative, whether they wanted a Reiki session or not. The claims were that I forced Reiki on someone, which I completely and utterly deny ever happened. I always ask the person if they wish to have Reiki. It is a requirement of Reiki principles to ask permission. Whenever a person said no to a session, I thanked them and moved to the next infusion patient.

The second claim in the patient complaint revolved around my introduction as a cancer survivor who found Reiki through my own cancer treatment. According to this person, it made him/her/them feel like I was dismissive of his/her/their cancer. I am at a loss at how introducing myself as a cancer survivor made this person feel like I was being dismissive of him/her/them. Everyone I encountered seemed willing to try Reiki because I was a cancer survivor who had Reiki during treatment.

Additionally, this person claimed I called chemotherapy “cancer poison,” which I do not ever recall saying. When I was in treatment, chemotherapy was my medical miracle, my personal alchemy, my elixir of life. As a fan of the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy and of the Harry Potter movies, the idea of using an elixir appealed to the geek in me. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, from the Harry Potter universe, was airing on cable channels in 2017, while I was in chemotherapy treatment. It just seemed fitting to consider these medications as medical alchemy!

The Volunteer Manager stated this complaint was reason to terminate me as a volunteer. I asked if she had spoken to the charge nurses of the department with whom I worked under, and she replied, “No, but I did speak with a few infusion nurses.” I requested she speak with the charge nurses because all three of them were incredibly supportive of me, and one even said I was a blessing to the department. I have no idea if there was any follow-up with my request.

In addition to the patient complaint (which I did not see in writing), I had committed additional offenses during my six weeks as a Reiki volunteer. Drum roll, please.

1) Me giving bee charms to others, in the Volunteer Office and to other volunteers, is considered solicitation. For background reference, I give bee charms to people I meet, which includes all my healthcare providers. I have given bee charms to the entire staff of my PCP office of 40+ people, my dentist and his staff, all my specialists, my surgeons, and the entire surgical team, etc. My message is for the person to set one’s intention to “bee” what you need to be and when you see the charm, it is a reminder of the intention. I also share that intentions can change as needed because there are no strict rules with this small token from me.

My desire to share cute bee charms does not require reciprocation, therefore I do not consider this solicitation. I did receive a verbal warning prior regarding the bee charms, but a new employee had joined the volunteer team, and I gave her a bee when no one else was in the volunteer office. She told the supervisor I gave her a bee. This is my fault for believing that sharing the charm in a more secluded setting was an offense.

2) I was told that receiving hugs from patients and their families was not appropriate and that I was seen receiving a hug from a family member. There was an African American woman who referred to me as “Laura with the healing hands!” I had given Reiki to her father a few times. While I was at my last session with him, her uncle (her mother’s brother) was at the hospital for his own doctor appointment. He came in for a visit after his appointment. They talked while I did my session with the patient, who immediately fell asleep.

I completed the session and quietly waved goodbye. The patient briefly opened his eyes and said, “Thank you,” and looked at his daughter and brother-in-law, saying, “This stuff (Reiki) is really relaxing.” He then closed his eyes once again.

I was walking down the hall to find a sink to wash my hands when the woman approached me, giving me a big, beautiful hug. I could not even hug her back because she was taller and larger than me and my arms were pinned to my side, and my face buried into her chest.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, Laura with the healing hands! Praise you, Lord Jesus, for bringing her to us!” When the hug was over, I stepped back and grabbed her hands, thanking her in return for her gratitude. This was the hug that was used as an offense against me in my exit meeting because there were infusion nurses that witnessed this exchange and reported the incident back to Volunteer Services.

3) The Volunteer Manager stated that I did not act like a Reiki master. This judgment hit the absolute hardest for me. I was so incredibly stunned that I did not even think of asking what she considered to be appropriate Reiki master behavior. According to her bias, me being me is not how Reiki masters act.

Me being me.

I know my ADHD can be off-putting to neuro-normal people. My therapist said that I can enter a situation like a tornado. I shared with my therapist that my Grandma Bea referred to me as a whirling dervish. A whirling dervish is a practitioner of Sufism—a mystical branch of Islam—who engages in a meditative, trance-inducing spinning dance known as the Sema. Originating in 13th-century Turkey, the practice was created by followers of the poet/mystic Jalāl al-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī (known as Rumi). This may be why I like Rumi’s poetry? Who knows.

I am neurodivergent. I am entitled to be my authentic self, right? It has taken time and intensive therapy to recognize the good aspects I have as a person. I was born perfectly imperfect, as we all are. In the past, I tried my best to hide my true self. I now realize that how I think and operate in this world is acceptable. All people have strengths and weaknesses. We have relatable similarities and sometimes striking differences. This is part of human existence. This is the human condition.

I know not everyone I meet will like or appreciate me. Honestly, I don’t like and appreciate certain people in this world, either. I choose to mask my dislike or judgment to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, especially if they are private citizens. I do try to challenge myself to understand the basis for my dislike or judgment. Note: if you’re a public person, especially a politician, expect my judgment in how you are performing in your job.

Being a Reiki master as a neurodivergent person may look different than people who are neuro-normal Reiki masters. This doesn’t mean I am “less than” other Reiki masters. It just means that I am different, and being different is okay.

The five precepts of Reiki.

One of the ways I self-identify is being a Reiki master. The five precepts of Reiki are important to me. The comment made that I do not act like a Reiki master may insinuate I do not embrace the precepts. This is just one interpretation of the precepts given by Mikao Usui Sensei, founder of the Usui System of Reiki Healing.

Just for today, do not worry.

Just for today, do not anger.

Be grateful.

Work diligently.

Be kind to others.

Just for today, do not worry.

I readily admit I struggle with injustices I see in the world. I don’t always embrace the not worrying and not being angry part of the precepts when I see images of wars in Ukraine, Gaza, Myanmar, Afghanistan/Pakistan, throughout the African continent and all the other places in the world that are constantly in conflict. The suffering of the people, especially the children, haunts me.

I have worries and anger about other situations, too. I’m worried and angry about the current political climate in the U.S.A. and the rise of authoritarianism. I’m worried about the tech billionaires and their dystopian merging of religion and technology.

Just for today, do not anger.

I’m angry at Epstein-Class for being able to get away with utter depravity and evil acts against children.

I’m angry about the immigrants sent to countries like El Salvador and places in Africa, especially when these are not their countries of origin. I’m angry we have detention centers (aka concentration camps). Men, women, and children being held in deplorable situations, without proper medical care, or basic provisions. There are reports of women and female children who are pregnant, due to sexual assault while in detention.  

Am I worried and angry about A.I. aka Machine Intelligence taking over the world? Nope. I’m not worried about the machines. I am terrified of the people who are using these tools in self-serving, nefarious ways.

Those who are greedy will always diminish the beauty of this world, plundering its resources to line their gluttonous pockets. They destroy human potential and threaten the survival of all living beings with their hedonistic lust for wealth, power, and possessions.

Though I may fall short with worry and anger, I still try my best to temper these emotions. I take what actions I can to be aware of the plight of others. I am an ally. I write my letters to my representatives and give what I can to organizations I support. I constantly challenge myself and my own privilege.

I wish people would view others with curiosity and not contempt. I have always been curious, and I love to learn about other people, cultures, food, art, religions, etc. I wish people would view the world with more curiosity and less fear. If we can make the world extremely dangerous, we have the power to make the world safe and peaceful, too.

Be grateful.

I am extremely grateful for all my blessings! The very fact I am still here, having faced my own mortality, is just one aspect of my gratitude. I’m grateful for my family, my friends, my pet, my hiking group, music, theater/film/television, the arts, writing, books, expressions of creativity, sunshine, rain, rainbows, tasty food, chocolate, cute animals, clouds, a home, a vehicle, clothing, shoes, toiletries, as well as technology and medical advances.

During the Covid-19 pandemic, humanity became communally grateful. There were those who politicized the pandemic (and questioned science, especially in the USA) but I think our healthcare professionals became our warriors and angels on earth. I shout out my respect for all who helped us mitigate the pandemic and I acknowledge the sacrifice of those who succumbed to the disease or the stress the disease created in the work environment.

I’m grateful I made peace with God. I now interact with God as a They/Them being. God does not need gender since God does not create through procreation. In Genesis 1:26: Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness…” See? God even referred to themselves in plural as us and ours. God doesn’t identify as male or female. God identifies as They/Them. So, maybe pronouns are important? Just saying.

I find God in many places, but not necessarily in organized religions. I feel the presence of God when I hike in nature. I see Their presence when I watch bees gathering pollen or clouds floating in the sky. I observe God’s presence when I witness people who inspire me with their kindness, their intelligence, their empathy, their humor, their compassion, and their courageous actions. I feel the presence of the Divine when I am in solitude, deep in prayer and meditation.

I’m truly grateful that I found Reiki during my cancer treatment because I believe Reiki helped me heal on so many levels. In a way, Reiki guided me to connect deeper with myself and with the Divine. It allowed me to transmute the fear of death to the love of life. It gave me the gift of realizing my body is doing its absolute best to hold my spirit and soul. My flesh is what anchors me to this world as a physical form, operating with my mind and soul to fully experience my human existence.

Work diligently.  

I do work diligently taking care of myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my sweet basset hound, and by living my life without burdening others. I’m in the process of finding meaningful employment that will bring in some income, but I also believe I work diligently in a volunteer capacity, too.

Be kind to others.

Being kind to others is truly my base ADHD personality asset. I always assume the best of people, until they prove me wrong. I’m always taken by surprise when I have interactions with people who do not have the best intentions. My brain just does not work like this. I don’t think of ways to harm people. I embrace compassion and empathy. These attributes aren’t weaknesses to me. I think they are the cornerstone of survival for the human race.

And now back to my story…

At the end of my dismissal meeting with the Volunteer Manager, she said I was unfit to volunteer in any other positions in this healthcare institution. Ouch. There was not a second chance for me. She asked me for my badge and volunteer vest. Without the badge, I pointed out I would be unable to leave the employee garage. She handed me back my badge and asked for me to return the badge immediately to the Volunteer office when I was able to depart the garage and find another parking spot.

I drove out of the employee parking and all the way around the large hospital complex to the patient parking garage. I was crying as I walked through the hallways. I saw a couple of the volunteers I suspected of observing me for the Volunteer Services team. They looked away as I passed them.

I contacted the Executive Director of the non-profit on my drive home from this meeting. I was emotional. I apologized for letting her and the non-profit down. The Volunteer Manager contacted the non-profit Executive Director the following day and shared all the points I wrote about above.

I have forgiven you.

I have forgiven the Volunteer Services team for being so dismissive of my value as a Reik provider and as a person. I do acknowledge the positive aspects this department provides for the hospital! These are not evil people. They are just people being people. Did gossiping occur about me? You betcha. I remember a conversation I had with my first Breast Health Navigator. I told her there was gossiping happening in the breast cancer support group. She said gossip was an issue within the medical profession in general. She said, “Why do you think so many soap operas are based in hospitals?” The comment made me laugh. I do hope there will be reflection within the Volunteer Services department that neurodivergence does not preclude someone from being an effective Reiki master. It means that neurodivergent people may operate in a unique way in energy work and other healing modalities.

My culpability.

I fully accept responsibility for my own part of the development of this situation. I should have asked why I was under such scrutiny from the very beginning. Again, I fell back into my previous pattern of avoiding conflict. With all the therapy I have done, including work with my current therapist for the duration of the six-week period, I need to better identify group-think dynamics. The skill to effectively communicate with people in a group-think state is something I must delve into so I can avoid similar situations in the future. I still wonder if I rubbed one person the wrong way, and this person share biases with others, or did everyone in the department just not care for me? I truly do not know the answer. Either way, I forgive them.

My words of power and truth.

The Divine creates with words. I know words are important. Words are prayer. Words are spell work. Words are intention. Words are creation. Words, spoken and written, have power. They can build and they can tear down.

I will use the power of my words now, as I process this recent experience of rejection and judgment. I have lessons to learn and emotions to still process as I reflect on these events.

I, Laura, have worth as a person, and I have value as a Reiki practitioner. I have received positive feedback from my past participants through the non-profit organization. I can assist people in their healing process. I know this is truthful. I have successfully achieved this with my former participants, and they have shared their success with me, and with the non-profit organization.

I, Laura, forgive those women rejected me as a Reiki practitioner and as a person. I hope they find beauty in the diversity and uniqueness of neurodivergent people.

I, Laura, want my mind, body, and soul to heal from this situation, completely and wholly. As a cancer survivor myself, I know energy work/healing, like Reiki, Healing Touch, Jin Shin, acupuncture, EFT (tapping), acupressure, somatic movement, and other modalities can assist with a reduction in stress and anxiety, providing a sense of calm while experiencing injuries, illnesses, blockages, and even situations like rejection.

• My personal goal for well-being is to meditate daily and reflect on my behaviors and my beliefs.
• I will continue to send distance Reiki to family and friends.
• I will also continue to send distance Reiki to the earth below me and to the living things on the surface of this beautiful place we call home.
• I treat others how I want to be treated.
• I look for healthy, reciprocal relationships.
• I set boundaries when needed.
• I remain curious about everything.
• I look for humor, joy, and fun in this world.
• I take time to see sunsets and rainbows.
• I am aware and present in my life.
• I want to fully appreciate every precious moment of this incredible life experience in this three-dimensional universe.

I am a Reiki Master.